I'm sick and tired of giving a shit. Sick and tired of my heart being such a little bitch. I'm sick and tired of losing my way and getting side tracked by stupid situations that I shouldn't even be dealing with. I'm sick and tired of other people expecting me to save them. I'm sick and tired of forgetting that all this shit makes me sick and tired.
My life has been odd lately. Things are shifting. Feelings are all over the place; strewn about like straw in a tornado. I signed my separation papers this week and turned them in. I am officially single. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. Being single is strange. Not in a bad way, I don't suppose. But just strange. I am responsible for making decisions that I haven't had to make in over six years. Decisions about other people and how to navigate my relationships with them.
This is all very cryptic, I know. But I'm not sure that even I know what I am trying to convey.
I had to speak to my ex last week for forty five minutes, in person, while waiting for the lawyer to show up. It was quite like speaking to a stranger. Someone that I knew their history, but didn't know them personally. I kept wanting to tilt my head and ask "Who are you?". This doesn't hurt, surprisingly. There is no tug in my heart for him. Just open space where he once was.
The rumor mill is churning out stories about me in this small town. Fuck em', I say. I'm tired of having to defend my own honor when I know good and damn well what I am and am not doing. Nothing is being said of him, however. And there is plenty that could be said.
So, there is a pile of magazines a mile high in my bedroom. A punch list of things to paint, make or sew. Movies that I haven't watched. Books I haven't read. And none of it interests me now. It all seems so secular and shallow. Life is feeling a bit shallow. People are seeming increasingly more shallow.
I am sick and tired of shallow.
I want to strip off my floatation devices and jump into the deep end. I want to give the world the middle finger and dive deep into the waters of my soul. I want to feel things. I want to know things. I want to quit letting others sway me. I want to swim out far enough to be able to look back at the shore and, with my feet floating freely underneath me, be able to know what my next step is. I want to have conversations with my Maker. Because I want to live the marvelous, meaningful, passionate, unimaginable, wondrous, creative, exciting, deep-end life that He made me to live.
I want to live.