Oh, Baby

Can I justify eating almost an entire pint of Banana Split ice cream with the fact that it has fruit in it? No? I guess that means that I owe myself one hell of a workout tonight.

Folks, my attitude has been a bit less than sparkling of late. I'm sure this is really no surprise, now that I think about it. Let's face it. I'm not exactly winning any congeniality points in life. Anyway. I keep posting the address to my blog in my Etsy profile and then taking it down again. I've done it over and over. I'll think for a second that I may draw a few new readers. And then..... I'll want to post something that I don't want everyone and their mother to read and I'll take the address down again.

I just deleted it yet again.

Sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest. And I prefer to not have my family members and any other curious little monkeys snooping around in my business. How is this different than sharing it with all of you? Well, partly because all of you show up here on a fairly regular basis. You chime in on my rants and offer advice when I lose my mind. You guys are great. You aren't here so that you can tell the girls at the hairdresser what I have been talking about. You are here for ...... well, honestly, I'm not sure what you are here for. But I totally love you for being here.

This past weekend has been a bitch for me. Actually, the last few weeks have been quite testing. You see, Mother's Day (of all things) tends to be a sore spot between my husband and I. Why, you ask? Because my husband would give anything in the world for me to be a mother. And I do not have any desire, whatsoever, to ever be a mother. None. At all.

Please. Spare me the speeches on what I bad person I am; how I am so selfish; how I'm too vain; how I have no idea how amazing it is; how I would be such a great mom; how beautiful our baby would be; and any other argument that you can possibly think of. I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL. Seriously. I really have.
And I don't doubt in any way that I would be a great mom or worry that I wouldn't love it. For God's sake, people! Why do they say "Oh, you would love it". No Shit. Of course I would love my own child. But it's kinda like sex. You have no idea what you are missing until you do it. And I have NO desire to do it. (have kids, that is. I have plenty of desire for sex)

It all comes down to a very simple fact. My body, mind, heart and soul do not want to be a mother. It is not there. And I cannot make it be there. And this whole situation pretty much breaks my heart and exhausts me like nothing else.

I told my husband way back at the beginning that if his desire to have children was stronger than his love for me, then he should go ahead and leave and find a mother for his offspring. But, no. He declares that he loves me and always will, despite everything. And I have to live with his spells of not talking to me for days at a time. Arguments. Guilt (for some reason). Shame (because others inflict it). And a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that knows that my husband may stay with me, but he will always resent me.

There is really nothing that I can do except trust the Lord and hope that the big picture makes sense at some point. Although, I have a hard time understanding why He would put two people together that just seem to get more and more different from each other every day. I guess there are no quick answers.

I feel so detached.

But I also feel a little better now that I put that out there. Thanks for listening.


*photo from Inked.

Rant and Roll

First of all, it's late*. I should be in bed. But I'm not. I should have worked out tonight. But I didn't. I should have had at least one vegetable with dinner tonight. But thanks to my husband's family's affinity for meat, I had none. But that is all beside the point. I am here to talk about fashion magazines. More specifically, I am here to talk about why fashion magazines piss me off.


I love me some fashion magazines. And everyone who loves fashion magazines knows that fall is the fashion industry's favorite season. Therefore, I have a big pile of freshly printed magazines hanging out at the foot of my bed, all glossy and smelling of perfume samples. Ahhhhh. Fashion design. I love it. But what am I supposed to do when all good fashion sense gets thrown to the wayside? How am I supposed to cope when fashions greatest are throwing pies in our faces? Tonight I give you ..... "A New and Revised List of Stupid Shit I Keep Seeing in Fashion Magazines." Enjoy.

*Models jumping. Why? Why the hell do photographers think that models need to jump? I am sick of it. Who jumps? Do you ever see people jumping up and down besides at a concert? No. Especially not in heels.

*For the love of God, why on earth do designers want their runway models to look ugly? Ugly hair. Ugly makeup. And some of them are not only ugly, but down right creepy or dirty looking. How does making a model look like crap help your clothing? STOP! Be more like Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren and Michael Kors. Pretty is better. Ugly is just.... ugly.

*I am seeing an unusually high number of photo shoots in the desert lately. Yeah. I just threw on this ten thousand dollar ensemble and am now traipsing around the desert. That happens. All the time.

*Hey fashion industry, you can feel free to stop reminding us that 50 year olds can look like 20 year olds now. We get it. Money can buy the fountain of youth. Next time you put out an "Age Issue", try using people who actually look their age.

*Stop printing political pieces. We all know that you are going to take the liberals side every single time. We are here to see fashion. When I want a political view, I will turn on Fox news. Because, yes, I like fashion AND I am a conservative.

*Androgyny. Okay. This one is killing me. Girls who look like boys and boys who look like girls. And then, throwing all of those boy/girl looking people in a pile and making you guess which is which. I am lesser endowed than most. That doesn't mean I want to look like a boy!! And, for heaven's sake, Stop Putting Lipstick on the Guys!!!! {I'm looking right at you, Burberry} Pick a side.

*When was the last time you took your clothes off and hugged your purse? Oh, just this morning? Well, in that case, never mind. Purses modeled with naked bodies. Don't get it. Also, I am seeing nudity in the oddest of places lately. Not just purse and shoe adds. For instance, topless girl hanging out at the ball court with all her man's friends. I don't have a problem with nudity, when done right. But, come on. Do you really expect this to boost a young girls idea of self worth? About as much as the fact that you still use size zero models.

The fashion industry never has and never will be the best role model in the world. And I wouldn't want them to be. It wouldn't be nearly as fun. But sometimes they do make a normal girl want to bang her head against the wall in disbelief. Who comes up with this stuff? We really don't have to have the shock factor to stay engaged. The blogging world has proven this to great measures. You can see a million photos of living rooms, flowers or Paris. They don't have to blow our mind every time. They just need to portray beauty. Beauty always works. Beauty will always captivate. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and styles.

Let's just call it what it is. Pretty is pretty. Ugly is still ugly. Stupid will always be stupid. And models jumping without a puddle underneath them still makes me say "What the hell?"


*It was late when I started. And then I went to bed.
**I think this photo came from Slumber Designs. Although, I could be wrong.