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I was talking to a friend in the grocery store last week. We were discussing our respective divorces and all that comes with that territory. He said something to the effect of "Well, I guess now you can get more stuff done." To which I quipped back "I have no choice. I have to totally rely on myself now."
It was a tiny little exchange in an otherwise heavy conversation, but those few words brought on a realization that was bigger than everything else that had been running through my head for the past nine months. I am responsible for my own life.
In the past, my decisions about everything revolved around the fact that I was married. I did not call the shots. What my future looked like was not in my hands. I was not a co-star. I was simply a supporting actress. This was a fact that afforded me to be quite lazy in my endeavors. But now I have no leading actor to take the spotlight while I waste time and twiddle my thumbs in the corner. He walked off stage and here I stand with everyone watching and asking "What's she gonna do now?"
I can't be lazy anymore. I can't hide behind someone else's hopes and dreams. I can't just give up and let the tide of life carry me where it may. I have a life to live. I have bills to pay. I have goals and ambitions (believe it or not). I have a future to build. And I have to give it my all, because I'm depending on me. It's trying times, and I must say, finally...........it's time for trying.
3 comments:
This post really struck me. Even though I'm not divorced, it just makes me think. D and I were talking just last night about careers and being driven, etc. I'm not, never have been, driven within my career. I never wanted to move up, be a principal, etc. I am driven in my hobbies...running for instance. Sometimes, this is hard for those who are driven in careers to understand. Not being driven in my career, it makes me wonder...am I hiding behind D's dreams? I'm allowing myself to be open to move, etc. depending on his dreams & hopes.
But you know, my drive can go with me anywhere. It won't be sacrificed if one person's job sends us somewhere else. I have the upper hand. But that's also why kids are on the back burner. They change your hobbies and drive.
I know this is not exactly what you were getting at in your post, but thanks for bringing me to a revelation.
well i'm happy for you that you get to be your own leading lady now! no one should have to be just a supporting actress.
Julia, I think I'm gonna like this new role.
Kristin, I totally get you. Working out was one of the only things that I have been ambitious about. I like what you said about your drive can go with you. That's so true. I think that sometimes as women we are expected to put our goals second to a mans. But you're right. Why can't we all go for our goals....together?
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