Hope

photo by Miz. November

When I say that life has been challenging the past few years, I mean it.  Income has been increasingly scarce.  Depression has been increasingly heavy.  My health has been increasingly perplexing.  Life has been increasingly confusing.  

But I also realize that my problems are pretty shallow in comparison to the problems that others face on a daily basis.  Though I am never sure where my next paycheck will come from, or even if I will have one, I have yet to go hungry.  Though I research continuously to find a cure for my depression and fatigue, I am not in the hospital fighting for my life.  Nor are any of my loved ones.  Though I seem to never know what my next step in life should be, I am fully aware that my hope is in the Lord and He will guide me even when I don't see or hear him. 

It's time to get real with you. 

I am a Christian, although I hate to even proclaim that because to be a Christian is to be "like Christ", and I fall miserably short of that description.  A little over a year ago, the Lord started working in my heart.  That's a very nice way of putting it.  It was more like the Lord smacked me on the back of the head and asked me just what on His green earth I thought I was doing.  That, my friends, is called chastisement.  It's God's way of keeping His children in line.  And I had been ignoring it for far too long. 

But when the Holy Spirit becomes so heavy inside of you that you can no longer ignore it's presence, things change.  Specifically, my heart. 

As a child of God I know that every good gift and every perfect gift comes from Him.  Anything good that I have in my life is only because my heavenly Father has allowed me to have it.  Because God loves every single one of His children, he wants to see them blessed and fulfilled. We are the ones who get in the way of our own blessings.  But God sees the big picture and we don't.  He sees what we really need, not what looks like it would be nice.  Many times God will ask us to step out in faith and put all of our trust in Him, no holds barred, so He can show us just how good he is. 

Although I had been a born again Christian since middle school, it wasn't until last fall that I finally laid everything at my Savior's feet and relinquished control.  I begged to know my Father on a deeper level.  I asked over and over for discernment and direction.  And now I can say that I truly desire God's will for my life over my own.  Why, you ask?  Because pursuing my own will has only led to heartache and hopelessness.  It took me all these years to finally realize that my way was the wrong way.  

Fast forward to this year and my life looks very much like a demolition site. 

I have no job.  I'm getting by on very little.  My eyes are dark and body feels frail.  My mental and emotion state is desperate.  Everything else in my life is in a holding pattern.  No movement.  No progress.  To the unbeliever, this wasteland looks like misplaced faith on my part.  But to those who know the Lord, this empty lot looks like the perfect construction site. 

I am the embodiment of Romans 5: 3-5.

All my false hopes have been stripped away.  My tribulations are building patience in me.  And this patience will be the foundation for experience.  And that experience will be the very thing that makes my hope real.  You see, hope doesn't come from putting your trust in the things that you can touch.  It's easy to believe in the things that you can see with your own eyes.  It's only when you put your trust in the things that cannot be seen or touched that true hope is born.  I have no hope in this broken world.  Every shred of hope that I have is in the hands of the Savior who died for me on a cross two thousand years ago.  And no matter how long my tribulations last, I can glorify in them knowing that God promised that my hope would not make me a fool.  Hope will not make me ashamed.  He promised that he will not leave me nor forsake me.  He will finish the work that he started in me.  This construction site will not be abandoned.  He promised.

And God never breaks his promises. 

Worn

from here.

And this pretty much sums it all up lately.

November

all pics my own

By now most of the leaves have given up the fight and let go of their branches.  Although they are no longer a fiery orange, the muted blanket of tan, burgundy, and coral pink leaves looks quite beautiful under my maple tree.  With multiple heat sources humming throughout the house, I cringe at the thought of the upcoming winter season.  I can handle nights in the thirties and days in the fifties.  It's when night and day have no distinguishable temperature difference that makes me desperate.

My mood matches the season.  It always does in the fall.  So many things to say and no words to say them.  Thoughts and emotions and memories swirl in my head like the leaves on the ground.  Then they seem to settle in my heart and get wet and heavy.  There they lie, like leaves in the gutter, waiting to be dug out and dealt with.  But who knows when that will happen, or even how it will happen.  Sometimes I will single out one of those thoughts, emotions, or memories like a particularly intriguing yellow leaf that begs closer inspection.  I'll hold it up to the light and examine its veins and spots, smile at its beauty and melancholy and then drop it back into the pile in my heart.

 Things are always changing around here.  Life is in constant flux.  Sometimes I wish things would slow down.  Sometimes I wish they would hurry up.  I think too much about things that I have no control over.  I busy myself with the things that I do seem to have a tiny semblance of control over.  And I pray that my heart finds rest somewhere in between those two places.

This is the pensive nature of this month.  My month.  November.

Hurricane

from......

 She was all stardust and tears.  A magic spell that was broken.  A loner in the midst of a shoulder to shoulder crowd.  She was a song that no one knew the words to although they could remember the melody in the back of their mind. 

But she didn't want to be the melody.  She wanted to be the words.  She didn't want to be just the dream.  She wanted to be the reality.  She didn't want to haunt the halls of someones heart.  She wanted to live in their soul. 

So her smile fell hard on blind eyes.  Unspoken words echoed in her ears.  Her heart rattled loudly in an empty ribcage. Prayers floated around her head like promising rain clouds carrying droplets of hope; faith waiting to be made manifest.

She was not to be made a fool.  The sea inside of her would not be contained forever.  From a distance she could see it.  She could see the hurricane that she would unleash, changing everything in its path. 

Real Time

 Five years came and went without the blessing of seeing the ocean.  Five years without hardly leaving the mountains.  My heart ached for it like a long lost love.  I even had dreams about it often and woke up homesick for a place that isn't even my home.  But this year we went.  The plans did not fall beautifully into place.  The extra money did not magically present itself.  It was a messy execution with too many plot twists to even discuss.  Besides, that would subtract from the glory of it.  The important thing is that I got to spend a week in my favorite home away from home.....Holden Beach, NC. 

Apart from an unexpected beach trip, life clicks along uneventfully.  These days are hard and they are humbling.  They are a fair mix of joy and pain.  Love and depression.  Learning and changing.  I would like to think that I have been changing for the better.  Meeting myself daily and listening to what God has to say about who I really am.  The ego has decreased bit by bit.  I'm tired of doing things unnaturally.  So I no longer fix my hair.  I let it do its wild unpredictable thing.  I let it grow.  Who knows how long that will last, but I'm enjoying it now.  I got rid of all but a select few pairs of heels in my closet.  What's the point in having my feet hurt?  I gotta stand on these babies for the rest of my life, hopefully, so I don't want to destroy them in the attempt to look "hot".  Age inappropriate clothing is out the door, along with the too tight and the too low and the too constricting.  It's time to breathe easy.  It's time to not have to constantly check what I am wearing.  It's time to be real.  


And maybe it's time to blog again.  Just maybe. 

Learning Curve

 2012 was the year of upheaval.  2013 was mostly spent just trying to hold on while the earth kept spinning.  But 2014 is shaping up to be the year of self realization.  Quite possibly a year of tearing down and rebuilding.

Why should it take so long to actually learn who we really are?  Or am I the only one who, at 33, feels like I am finally figuring out that I am not at all the person that I have been pretending to be for all these years?  It's like there is a huge disconnect between the person I was designed to be and the person that I have been trying to be for so long.  The Lord seems to be washing my eyes of all the disillusionment that is this life.

Of course, I understand that we are always learning.  Always changing.  That is how life works.  I remember my ex boss from my last job telling me one time that what you think is an integral part of your life and who you are at this point will not even be important to you in the future.  I knew, of course, that he was right.  But part of me didn't want to believe him.  It just seems like we should know ourselves better than that.

When was the last time you really thought about what makes you "tick"?  What makes you "you"?  What are you really passionate about?  I believe these are the things that shape who we are supposed to be in this life.  There is a deeper reason for everything that makes us "us".

I want to find out what those reasons are.  I want to know what I am supposed to be doing with this life of mine.  I want to know what God's plan for me is.  I want more. I want more joy, more purpose, more fulfillment, more creativity. 

~I want to become the person I was meant to be.~

Life is Funny

It hasn't even been a week since my surgery and there is already a rumor going around this tiny town that I had a boob job.  I think it's hilarious.  Seriously.  That rumor won't stand for very long.  Haha.  Nope.  Still tiny as ever! 

It honestly cracks me up that people out there heard that I had surgery and the only logical reason that they could possibly come up with is a boob job.  What the bloody hell? 

Life.  It's funny. 

Deep

from here.

Sitting here eating Zuma Gold cookies fresh from the oven.  My body has that weird floating and falling feeling that you get from riding roller coasters or playing in the ocean, except that mine is from being in a boom lift all day painting.  Listening to Angels by The xx and Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons.  I have an unusual urge to finger paint something yellow.  Unfortunately, instead, I am paying bills and finishing laundry.  My head is full and my heart is weak this evening. 

I need something.  Not sure what it is. 

What's Been Happening

from here.

I read blogs just about every single day, but I fail to write anything on my own. 

So, for your reading pleasure (whoever is actually reading this), here's a little collection of random musings.

*Do you know when you had your last tetanus shot?  You should.  Last week at work I got a few nails jabbed into my shoulder.  I assumed that my tetanus shot was up to date.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.  I was due a tetanus shot in 1992.  That was a long time ago!  So I got one this morning.  Think it's no big deal until you get cut?  I suggest you Google tetanus.  Seriously.  I mean, do you even know what it is?

*You know how bad I despise cleaning my bath tub, right?  If you don't, then you have never actually read my blog, obviously.  Well.....my mind was completely blown last week when I decided to spray my tub down with my lovely smelling Method multi-purpose cleaner.  I walked away for a few minutes, came back and the gunk just wiped right off of my tub.  Amazing!  Truly amazing!

*One should never assume that customers know anything at all about the business that you are in.  Ever.  We are doing an extensive remodel on a home, which has turned into almost a rebuild, instead.  Just because a customer has a fancy plan drawn up by a supposed "engineer" does not mean that said plan will work or that the customer will understand why you are pretty much tearing his entire house down in order to achieve the house that he expects to get.  Communication, folks.  It's priceless. 

*Hummus has never been on my list of favorite things to eat.  That is, until I tried a local brand that made all other hummus taste like dog food (or what I imagine dog food tastes like).  Roots hummus is so good that I can finish a whole container of it in a few days, all by my little self.  The Extra Spicy Chipotle is my favorite flavor, but Spinach is dang good, too.  

That's all for now, folks.  I'll see you on the flip side. 

Trying

from here.

I was talking to a friend in the grocery store last week.  We were discussing our respective divorces and all that comes with that territory.  He said something to the effect of "Well, I guess now you can get more stuff done."  To which I quipped back "I have no choice.  I have to totally rely on myself now." 

It was a tiny little exchange in an otherwise heavy conversation, but those few words brought on a realization that was bigger than everything else that had been running through my head for the past nine months.  I am responsible for my own life. 

In the past, my decisions about everything revolved around the fact that I was married.  I did not call the shots.  What my future looked like was not in my hands.  I was not a co-star.  I was simply a supporting actress.  This was a fact that afforded me to be quite lazy in my endeavors.  But now I have no leading actor to take the spotlight while I waste time and twiddle my thumbs in the corner.  He walked off stage and here I stand with everyone watching and asking "What's she gonna do now?" 

I can't be lazy anymore.  I can't hide behind someone else's hopes and dreams.  I can't just give up and let the tide of life carry me where it may.  I have a life to live.  I have bills to pay.  I have goals and ambitions (believe it or not).  I have a future to build.  And I have to give it my all, because I'm depending on me.  It's trying times, and I must say, finally...........it's time for trying.  

Once Again.

in my shop.

It's been a rough few months for me.  Hence, my absence. But, quite frankly, I don't want to talk about the negative.  There's plenty enough of that out there. 

I want to talk about the positive.  Like the fact that I have been painting more often.  And that I have actually managed to list some of those paintings in my Etsy shop.  I have always been an artist.  I have always created and made things.  But, unlike most other artists, it doesn't come easy for me.  Inspiration doesn't just flow from some eternal spring.  I don't always have a burning desire to make things.  Honestly, I rarely have that desire.  But once I do actually finish a painting or a piece of jewelry or a new design, I feel a very satisfying sense of accomplishment. ..........

So, I have been working on a smaller scale, painting tiny canvases and doing small watercolors.  It seems to be helping my attention span and my confidence.  I am trying to be brave.  Trying to put myself out there a little bit, even when I don't feel ready.  Trying to remember that we can't wait for everything to be just perfect before taking a step, otherwise we would never go anywhere. 

I've got a lot of stuff floating around in my brain.  I want to get it out and write about it here, on this blog.  But I'm not making any promises.  My life seems to be perched on a very delicate line right now, between inward reflection/growth and public expression/goals. 

I'm glad that no one seems to have left during my long sabbatical.  Thanks for sticking around. 
Much love to all of you.
~ Jo~

Sick and Tired of

EVERYTHING.

from here.

I'm sick and tired of giving a shit.  Sick and tired of my heart being such a little bitch.  I'm sick and tired of losing my way and getting side tracked by stupid situations that I shouldn't even be dealing with.  I'm sick and tired of other people expecting me to save them.  I'm sick and tired of forgetting that all this shit makes me sick and tired.  

My life has been odd lately.  Things are shifting.  Feelings are all over the place; strewn about like straw in a tornado.  I signed my separation papers this week and turned them in.  I am officially single.  I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  Being single is strange.  Not in a bad way, I don't suppose.  But just strange.  I am responsible for making decisions that I haven't had to make in over six years.  Decisions about other people and how to navigate my relationships with them.
 
This is all very cryptic, I know.  But I'm not sure that even I know what I am trying to convey.

I had to speak to my ex last week for forty five minutes, in person, while waiting for the lawyer to show up.  It was quite like speaking to a stranger.  Someone that I knew their history, but didn't know them personally.  I kept wanting to tilt my head and ask "Who are you?".  This doesn't hurt, surprisingly.  There is no tug in my heart for him.  Just open space where he once was. 

The rumor mill is churning out stories about me in this small town.  Fuck em', I say.  I'm tired of having to defend my own honor when I know good and damn well what I am and am not doing.  Nothing is being said of him, however.  And there is plenty that could be said. 

So, there is a pile of magazines a mile high in my bedroom.  A punch list of things to paint, make or sew.  Movies that I haven't watched.  Books I haven't read.  And none of it interests me now.  It all seems so secular and shallow.  Life is feeling a bit shallow.  People are seeming increasingly more shallow. 

I am sick and tired of shallow. 

I want to strip off my floatation devices and jump into the deep end.  I want to give the world the middle finger and dive deep into the waters of my soul.  I want to feel things.  I want to know things.  I want to quit letting others sway me.  I want to swim out far enough to be able to look back at the shore and, with my feet floating freely underneath me, be able to know what my next step is.  I want to have conversations with my Maker.  Because I want to live the marvelous, meaningful, passionate,  unimaginable, wondrous, creative, exciting, deep-end life that He made me to live. 

I want to live. 

~

The View From My Ten Dollar Hammock

This has been a really great week. 

I had a night out with my best friend.  My brother got some really great news.  We had a dinner at my grandmother's house to celebrate said news.  I have been cleaning out and making changes around the house.  Things seem to be clicking along just fine. 

A few moments were spent basking in the late summer sun in my hammock.  I've been smiling a lot this week.  As a matter of fact, I was smiling when I took this picture of the clematis vine that drapes my porch railing. 

Everything is going to be just fine.  God's blessings are plentiful. 
I hope you are all having a great weekend. 

xoxo ~Jo~

Fall Forward

from here.

I have to tell you, I'm really looking forward to Fall this year. 

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you should know that I have a soft spot in my heart for fall.  With all the changes that have been going on in my life lately, I feel like the coming season is going to be my chance to really shine.  Something good is gonna happen, I just know it.  

I always feel more like my true self in autumn.  And now, being at this particular place in my life, without a husband or significant other, I believe God is giving me the chance to let all my personality and quirkiness come to light and illuminate the path to my future. 

No holding back.  I'm running out of time to live my life.  And standing on the sidelines and watching my life go by without me, my friends, is just not an option.  Here's to new beginnings and everlasting hope. 

Hugs and Sunshine, my dolls.  Massive hugs and sunshine. 
~Jo~

The New Road

from here.

Here I am, thirty-one years old and alone.  If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be single in my thirties, I probably would have had a mild panic attack.  But now that I have lived through my twenties, being thirty-something isn't half bad.  Being alone after six years of marriage, however, hurts.  

Yes.  My husband left me.  He said that he just couldn't live with the fact that I didn't want to try to have a baby with him.  And I am crushed.  Deeply. 

My days are a roller coaster ride of self preservation highs and heart wrenching lows.  I can't believe that he actually left.  And with no warning.  Seemingly out of nowhere. 
I believed so fully in our marriage.  Believed that we could weather almost any storm.  And we had.  We had weathered some pretty gnarly ones.  All the time, I thought it had only made us stronger.  Obviously, I was wrong. 

Now I am praying for my contractors license to go through.  Praying for a string of good work.  Praying for strength and grace.  Praying to understand God's plan for me.  And praying that I finally become the person I am meant to be.

My heart may be tied in knots and my courage is very weak.  But I realize that now is the time to rinse the dust from my weary soul and rise to the occasion.  Who am I without my husband?  Who am I when standing alone?  What am I doing with my life that I can be proud of? 

I did not make this decision.  I did not want to end my marriage.  I love my husband so very much.  He will always hold a part of my heart. 
But he walked away. 
And now I must learn to walk without him. 

Seriously? It's Thursday?

I am living in a fog.  And I'm quite sure you are sick and tired of hearing about my personal shit on this blog.  I'm supposed to be all pretty pictures and crazy inspiration, right?  Oh, wait.  I was never that. 

How about a confession?  My husband has been gone all month.  Yep.  Doing some more training stuff.  I've been stuck at home with Gus (and all the other drama that has been happening).  I should have tons of time to blog, right?  Wrong.  What the hell have I been doing?

*Well, losing a whole lot of sleep, for one.  I can't sleep without the Hubs in the house.  And Gus has been so nervous that he barks at every - single - little - noise - he hears.  This is why my brain hasn't functioned properly in so long. 

*Watched more Saved By the Bell on Netflix than I care to admit.  On second thought, I don't care one bit to admit that.  It beats the hell out of most new shows. 

*Paid a lot of money for permits.....to dig wells.  to install septic systems.  to build houses.

*Some painting.  And some finishing of piles of projects that were started and lying dormant for months on end.  Now if I can only manage to get them to the Etsy shop.

*A lot of eating dinner with mom (because she knows that, otherwise, I would probably not cook for myself). 

*Took a little overnight trip with some girlies last Saturday.  We basically just had a blast and enjoyed being out of the house. 

There's plenty of other stuff, but most of it sucked.  So I'm just gonna leave it at that and shut up. 

Love and Hugs and Sunshine and all that happy stuff.
Let's see if I can get back here tomorrow with a Friday Fantasy.
~Jo~

Room to Breathe

from here.

Hey there, friends.

Have a seat and let's do a little catching up. 

I finally feel like I am getting a little bit of breathing room.  I've shared bits and pieces of what has been going on around here, but bits and pieces is all you have been getting until now.  So, without laying my heart on the table completely, here is a little more about why I have been so stressed. 

First off, my best friend lost her husband.  It was a terribly tragic and unexpected event that left everyone in a state of shock and confusion.  He died in a horrific car crash that left many question marks and no answers.  Of course, in such a small town as ours, rumors and accusations abound and make the horrid situation even worse.  My friend has had to be stoic and brave to weather the arrows that have been flying her way.  But she has been so strong and there is hope in the future for her and her daughter. 

My brother has been fighting a seemingly losing battle for months on end.  I can't give you a lot of details, but it involves a ruthless and cruel wife, more lies than can be counted, the involvement of many outside forces, court dates, more lies, and the future of my niece hanging in the balance.  Our family has been pushed to the limit.  This has been hell on earth and it has the potential to drag on for many months still. 

On top of everything, my grandmother died last Wednesday night.  It was totally unexpected, as she seemed to be as spry and healthy as ever.  A heart blockage put her in the hospital, where the doctors put in a stint.  Everything had looked just fine.  She was awake and talking, everything great, when out of nowhere her heart failed her.  It was a hard blow for my dad.  The stress of my brothers problems combined with losing his mother has been extremely hard on him.  But we are grateful for the fact that she didn't suffer.  As my dad said, "She never got old."  Right up until her death, she was a real live firecracker. 


I have other things to talk about.  Truly, I do.  And I really want to talk about them and get my spirits back up.  So, hopefully I will be able to get back into blogging and share some positive things with you.  Some soul sunshine would great, don't you think? 
Thanks for being here.  I appreciate the concern and love that I have received from some of you.  I really do count my blog friends as true blue friends.  And I hope I get to converse with you a whole lot more in the near future.

Hugs and Sunshine to you all.
~Jo~

Hello....

I was going to tell you a story and maybe find something inspiring to give to you....but, honestly, I just don't feel like faking it.  It's been a rough go of things around here lately.  I'm sorry.  Blogging is just not in me right now.  But I love you guys.  And I appreciate all the sweetness you share with me.  I'll be back.  Sometime. 

A Quick Hello

from here.

I thought I would take just a moment to say "hello" to my blog friends. 
Tomorrow is my big test.  I will lug my eighteen books to the test center and hope and pray that I pass so I can apply for my NC Contractors License.  Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it. 

As for my Etsy store re-vamp.....well, that has been put on the back burner.  There has just been way too much stuff going on around here.  Hopefully soon I will be able to re-dedicate some time to making that happen.  But for now, I am choosing to not worry about it.  I feel a little guilty about not following through with that goal, but I am trying to realize that I am not really obligated to anyone as far as my Etsy shop goes.  Besides, I could not have foreseen all the other crap that was going to come up in the last few months.  Life happens. 

Today I will try to cram in all that last minute information that I'm going to need and, hopefully, take a few moments to gather my thoughts.  I hope to see you back here later this week. 

Much love and sunshine to all of you, my friends. 
xoxo ~Jo

Bringing it Back.

Let me get an early start, here, to try to make up for my absence last week.

First off, let me just say "Thank You!". I know I can always count on my blog friends to come through for me with some warm words and cyber hugs. I love you guys so much. And while we're on the subject of warm words, let me say this. Sometimes you guys give me some very deep and personal advice and words of wisdom. You are so generous and thoughtful that way. I always publish those comments, even if they are of a personal nature. I figure that if they can be encouraging to me, that there is probably someone else out there who could benefit from reading them, too. I hope you don't mind.

Things are doing better with the hubby and I. And I have no more to say about that. I am tired of talking about it. Suffice it to say that marriage is hard and life can suck. Maybe I'll write a post about it sometime. But not right now.

February is here and there are a lot of ideas floating around in my head. Hopefully some of them will come to fruition. So, stay with me folks. I plan on being around more often.

Oh, yes! And those business cards I told you about? They happen to be the same color as that fabulous dress up there. Because in my world, neon never goes out of style.

Hugs and Sunshine
~Jo~


*pic from here.