Hope

photo by Miz. November

When I say that life has been challenging the past few years, I mean it.  Income has been increasingly scarce.  Depression has been increasingly heavy.  My health has been increasingly perplexing.  Life has been increasingly confusing.  

But I also realize that my problems are pretty shallow in comparison to the problems that others face on a daily basis.  Though I am never sure where my next paycheck will come from, or even if I will have one, I have yet to go hungry.  Though I research continuously to find a cure for my depression and fatigue, I am not in the hospital fighting for my life.  Nor are any of my loved ones.  Though I seem to never know what my next step in life should be, I am fully aware that my hope is in the Lord and He will guide me even when I don't see or hear him. 

It's time to get real with you. 

I am a Christian, although I hate to even proclaim that because to be a Christian is to be "like Christ", and I fall miserably short of that description.  A little over a year ago, the Lord started working in my heart.  That's a very nice way of putting it.  It was more like the Lord smacked me on the back of the head and asked me just what on His green earth I thought I was doing.  That, my friends, is called chastisement.  It's God's way of keeping His children in line.  And I had been ignoring it for far too long. 

But when the Holy Spirit becomes so heavy inside of you that you can no longer ignore it's presence, things change.  Specifically, my heart. 

As a child of God I know that every good gift and every perfect gift comes from Him.  Anything good that I have in my life is only because my heavenly Father has allowed me to have it.  Because God loves every single one of His children, he wants to see them blessed and fulfilled. We are the ones who get in the way of our own blessings.  But God sees the big picture and we don't.  He sees what we really need, not what looks like it would be nice.  Many times God will ask us to step out in faith and put all of our trust in Him, no holds barred, so He can show us just how good he is. 

Although I had been a born again Christian since middle school, it wasn't until last fall that I finally laid everything at my Savior's feet and relinquished control.  I begged to know my Father on a deeper level.  I asked over and over for discernment and direction.  And now I can say that I truly desire God's will for my life over my own.  Why, you ask?  Because pursuing my own will has only led to heartache and hopelessness.  It took me all these years to finally realize that my way was the wrong way.  

Fast forward to this year and my life looks very much like a demolition site. 

I have no job.  I'm getting by on very little.  My eyes are dark and body feels frail.  My mental and emotion state is desperate.  Everything else in my life is in a holding pattern.  No movement.  No progress.  To the unbeliever, this wasteland looks like misplaced faith on my part.  But to those who know the Lord, this empty lot looks like the perfect construction site. 

I am the embodiment of Romans 5: 3-5.

All my false hopes have been stripped away.  My tribulations are building patience in me.  And this patience will be the foundation for experience.  And that experience will be the very thing that makes my hope real.  You see, hope doesn't come from putting your trust in the things that you can touch.  It's easy to believe in the things that you can see with your own eyes.  It's only when you put your trust in the things that cannot be seen or touched that true hope is born.  I have no hope in this broken world.  Every shred of hope that I have is in the hands of the Savior who died for me on a cross two thousand years ago.  And no matter how long my tribulations last, I can glorify in them knowing that God promised that my hope would not make me a fool.  Hope will not make me ashamed.  He promised that he will not leave me nor forsake me.  He will finish the work that he started in me.  This construction site will not be abandoned.  He promised.

And God never breaks his promises. 

What's Been Happening

from here.

I read blogs just about every single day, but I fail to write anything on my own. 

So, for your reading pleasure (whoever is actually reading this), here's a little collection of random musings.

*Do you know when you had your last tetanus shot?  You should.  Last week at work I got a few nails jabbed into my shoulder.  I assumed that my tetanus shot was up to date.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.  I was due a tetanus shot in 1992.  That was a long time ago!  So I got one this morning.  Think it's no big deal until you get cut?  I suggest you Google tetanus.  Seriously.  I mean, do you even know what it is?

*You know how bad I despise cleaning my bath tub, right?  If you don't, then you have never actually read my blog, obviously.  Well.....my mind was completely blown last week when I decided to spray my tub down with my lovely smelling Method multi-purpose cleaner.  I walked away for a few minutes, came back and the gunk just wiped right off of my tub.  Amazing!  Truly amazing!

*One should never assume that customers know anything at all about the business that you are in.  Ever.  We are doing an extensive remodel on a home, which has turned into almost a rebuild, instead.  Just because a customer has a fancy plan drawn up by a supposed "engineer" does not mean that said plan will work or that the customer will understand why you are pretty much tearing his entire house down in order to achieve the house that he expects to get.  Communication, folks.  It's priceless. 

*Hummus has never been on my list of favorite things to eat.  That is, until I tried a local brand that made all other hummus taste like dog food (or what I imagine dog food tastes like).  Roots hummus is so good that I can finish a whole container of it in a few days, all by my little self.  The Extra Spicy Chipotle is my favorite flavor, but Spinach is dang good, too.  

That's all for now, folks.  I'll see you on the flip side. 

Filling Requests (if you love me, you will read this)

Annalise made a request.
She asked "If I knew I could not fail, what would I do?" She also added that money is a non-issue, here. We are going to pretend that the money for any endeavor would magically appear. I have seen this question before; on inspiration boards, on blogs, used as a motivational catapult. And, like most people, I have thought "Ha. What wouldn't I do?" and then went on about my business. I never really considered what my real answer would be until Annalise asked me. Now, I could have just went with an easy answer, like "I would be a dancer and be in a dance movie!". But I really don't think that is what she was looking for.

This has been a difficult question for me to answer. Maybe because I am not a very motivated person. Maybe because there are too many things that I would like to do. Maybe because I don't actually see any of them happening. Maybe because it's too easy to become complacent about your own situation in life. Maybe because I have quit trying, already.

I make things. That is what I do. That is what I have always done. I make art. I make clothes. I make bags and jewelry. I make whatever it is that my over-active brain spits out at me. But, as you all have probably already figured out, I don't have a life or death desire to do these things. I don't wake up in the morning feeling like if I don't create something my head will surely explode. On the contrary, it takes a whole lot of effort and ass kicking for me to follow through with my ideas. This is the very reason that I do not do custom orders or list items in my shop that are made to order. I am very quick about filling and shipping orders, but if it is not already made and ready to go, it is not going to happen. Therefore, I have piles of unfinished projects waiting around with good intentions of finishing them all up and moving forward, yet I continue to stand still.

I am envious of artists and designers who have such passion and drive. I wish that I was born with that same determination. But I wasn't. Interestingly enough, I was born with an equally artistic and mechanically inclined mind. This is why working on cars has always been fun to me. Just as much fun as finger painting. So one half of my brain desires to make something beautiful that speaks to the soul, and the other half desires a problem to have to figure out. Thus pattern-making was a natural fit. Designing is a perfect marriage of the two. Yet, it still doesn't excite me.

Bored yet? I'm trying to make this all come full circle. Stick with me.

So, the big question is "what does excite me?" Get your minds out of the gutters. We're not taking that road. Well........ finishing a project excites me. Not the process, but the end result. Singing excites me. But that's a whole other story. Putting something onto paper or canvas that was once only visible in my head excites me. That includes both painting and writing. The thought of encouraging young girls to appreciate themselves excites me. Our society just keeps pushing kids in all sorts of wrong directions.

So what is a girl like me to do? What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Knowing who I am and that my motivational level is not going to miraculously quadruple over night. Knowing that I have the talent, but not the drive. Knowing that making it in the art world involves selling yourself (seriously, guys. not like that.).

If I knew I could not fail, I would start painting again. Painting the things that I like to paint. Not worrying about whether I have a recognizable style. Not worrying about whether they could categorize my work. Not worrying about what anyone else wanted to see me paint, but only about what I wanted to see me paint. I would believe in myself and my skill. I would present my work to galleries and it would sell. And, somehow, somewhere in that mix, I would find a way to encourage people. To tell them "Hey. If I can manage to get up and push myself through each day and believe in myself, then you can too."

If I knew I could not fail, I would be the person that I know I was born to be.

Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But it isn't. Here is the really sad part. Regardless of what I hope will happen, I am probably not going to wake up every morning wanting to paint. I very rarely actually want to paint. And you know what happens when you force yourself to paint? Shit. Shit happens. Nothing goes right. It doesn't flow. Same thing with writing. And designing. When the Divine Inspiration is not knocking at your door, all your effort turns to shit.

But you wanna know something crazy? I think I'll give it a try anyway. Hell. What do I have to lose? (this is where I pretend that canvas and paint doesn't cost a fortune.) Nothing to lose. Everything to gain. May as well follow my own advice and at least try to kick some ass at life.

Thanks, Annalise. :)

Filling In The Blanks

This was the view from my backyard last night. There is really no way to describe the beauty of these clouds without you being there to see them for yourself. Seriously impressive.

Now. To do a little explaining of myself and that last post. Obviously, I can't really go into great detail on this blog about my personal life and the inner workings of it. But I think I owe you guys a little better explanation of things being that you are all so supportive and such good friends. (I love my blog friends more than you know.)

You know that little saying "Find what makes you happy and do it"? Well, it turns out that its not that simple. Life is never that simple. I have to say that quitting my job at the garage back in February was the best irrational decision I ever made. I have been healthier and happier and more inspired than ever. I hope from the bottom of my heart that I never have to go back to working a "normal" job again. I love working for my brother when he has a painting job for me to do. I show up. I do my thing. I don't have to answer the phone or deal with customers. I just do my job and go home. Love it. And for all the people in my town who keep asking if I have found a job yet........ I'm not looking for one!!!! I wish they would stop asking that.

I know what you are thinking. How the hell does she expect to ever build a house if she doesn't have a job? Well. This is where things get interesting. You see, I have worked a job ever since I was 16. I am good with money. I am very low maintenance and very good at saving. My husband, however, is not. Enough said. I have been without a job for four months. I have just as much money in my bank account as I did four months ago. Me not having a job is not changing the economic situation. However, getting a construction loan right now is nearly impossible unless you already have 90% of the money needed to build the house already.

On to my creative endeavors. Amber asked if I have been sewing up that dyed fabric. (thank you for keeping me in check, girl.) And the answer is a resounding YES!!! I have a whole pile of bags sewn up. And I am still working on more, a new design and some small bags made out of the excess. However, I am having a dilemma as to whether I should list them all on Etsy or try presenting them to a local store. There are several possible stores and galleries that I have considered trying to sell through. The problem with that is..... I could be losing a good chunk of my profit that way. Etsy is so highly preferred because of the low cost of sell. But I just can't seem to get a lot of business on Etsy. I'm just sort of torn on whether to keep selling on Etsy at all. (I will show you what I have been working on as soon as I take some pics. I'm really excited about how this line has turned out.)

Now, I'm sorry, but I have to remain rather vague about some of the things that have been bothering me lately. Suffice it to say that sometimes you cannot make your own fate. Sometimes you are tied to circumstances and people and responsibility. Sometimes there is not one damn thing you can do about life. It just is what it is.

And so, there you have it, loves. Another ridiculously long blog post. I'll try not to be so talky in the future. I know this doesn't even begin to clear up the hazy picture that I have painted, but I hope it at least sheds a tad bit of light on the subject.

Hugs and Sunshine to you.
~Jo~

Empty Thoughts

Hello friends.

It's Monday yet again. And all too soon. All I learned from being off work a week is that I don't like going to work. Of course, I guess that's why they call it work.

Thankfully, I did accomplish a few things besides housework on my week off. Unfortunately, it took me until the end of the week before I started being creatively productive. I guess my mind had to take a real vacation for the first part of the week and not be bothered with my lofty ideas. I'll share some more on my creative endeavors later.

I wish I had an outpouring of inspiration and fantastical writing to grace you with this Monday. But work has left my brain weak. And I really have to go muster up enough energy to workout right now. I just didn't want to go too long in between posts. I love hearing from you and even when I am quiet and cease to comment on all your blogs, just know that I am still there. Reading. Smiling. Gleaning strength and beauty from your words and photos. Here's to a new week.

xoxo ~Jo~ xoxo