Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The New Road

from here.

Here I am, thirty-one years old and alone.  If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be single in my thirties, I probably would have had a mild panic attack.  But now that I have lived through my twenties, being thirty-something isn't half bad.  Being alone after six years of marriage, however, hurts.  

Yes.  My husband left me.  He said that he just couldn't live with the fact that I didn't want to try to have a baby with him.  And I am crushed.  Deeply. 

My days are a roller coaster ride of self preservation highs and heart wrenching lows.  I can't believe that he actually left.  And with no warning.  Seemingly out of nowhere. 
I believed so fully in our marriage.  Believed that we could weather almost any storm.  And we had.  We had weathered some pretty gnarly ones.  All the time, I thought it had only made us stronger.  Obviously, I was wrong. 

Now I am praying for my contractors license to go through.  Praying for a string of good work.  Praying for strength and grace.  Praying to understand God's plan for me.  And praying that I finally become the person I am meant to be.

My heart may be tied in knots and my courage is very weak.  But I realize that now is the time to rinse the dust from my weary soul and rise to the occasion.  Who am I without my husband?  Who am I when standing alone?  What am I doing with my life that I can be proud of? 

I did not make this decision.  I did not want to end my marriage.  I love my husband so very much.  He will always hold a part of my heart. 
But he walked away. 
And now I must learn to walk without him. 


annelise said...

Devastating :( I wish I could come over for a cup of tea and just sit with you.

I've been sitting here for a few minutes, trying to think of something to write that doesn't sound trite (You'll be okay! You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you've got! etc) but I can't. All of those silly, mindless statements but said with heart and meaning.

Take care, my friend. xx

Jen said...

Again, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you!!! And praying that you're doing ok. Reach out to me anytime. I'm here.

Take care sweetie!!

Kristin W said...

What Annelise said to a tee. I can't imagine the emotions you must be going through right now. I can imagine the worries and fears you are probably facing. Take comfort with your friends and those close to you. Hang in there.

Jen said...

Hey Hun! Just checking on you again. Hope you're hanging in there!! Can't stop thinking about you...


Matt said...

On no!!!? I am so sorry to hear that! :( So sorry for disapearing as well. I was shocked to see a reference to this in a recent post of yours and had to go back and see what happened. I miss all of you and wish I had been there for you when this happened.

Hope to reconnect with you and our other friends in the blogosphere.

Moreover I hope you are doing well/better than I am sure you were at the time. Will be thinking of you .


Emily said...

Random stranger commenting here. I just came across your post via a comment on Michelle Armas's newest blog. I just went through a divorce myself at only 26. I'm 27 now. I just want to say I understand the pain and confusion and hope things have gotten drastically better since you posted this blog entry. I'd love to have a back and forth about it if you'd like to talk. You seem very inspiring. Wishing you the best!

Emily (