Trying

from here.

I was talking to a friend in the grocery store last week.  We were discussing our respective divorces and all that comes with that territory.  He said something to the effect of "Well, I guess now you can get more stuff done."  To which I quipped back "I have no choice.  I have to totally rely on myself now." 

It was a tiny little exchange in an otherwise heavy conversation, but those few words brought on a realization that was bigger than everything else that had been running through my head for the past nine months.  I am responsible for my own life. 

In the past, my decisions about everything revolved around the fact that I was married.  I did not call the shots.  What my future looked like was not in my hands.  I was not a co-star.  I was simply a supporting actress.  This was a fact that afforded me to be quite lazy in my endeavors.  But now I have no leading actor to take the spotlight while I waste time and twiddle my thumbs in the corner.  He walked off stage and here I stand with everyone watching and asking "What's she gonna do now?" 

I can't be lazy anymore.  I can't hide behind someone else's hopes and dreams.  I can't just give up and let the tide of life carry me where it may.  I have a life to live.  I have bills to pay.  I have goals and ambitions (believe it or not).  I have a future to build.  And I have to give it my all, because I'm depending on me.  It's trying times, and I must say, finally...........it's time for trying.  

Relationships

can be purchased here.

One of the things that a divorce inevitably results in is the deep consideration of relationships and what makes them work or fall apart.

Breakups hurt.  Divorces hurt.  And, I think we can all agree, relationships hurt.

I've spent a whole lot of time thinking about what went wrong in my last marriage.  I've tried to pin-point how on earth we went from being in love and happy to the place where one of us was willing to give up completely.

If you think about it, almost every relationship starts out the same way.  There is infatuation and adoration.  Chemical attraction and soaring dopamine levels.  Both parties confess their affection and make promises of devotion and undying love.  But, with time, all things change.  And of all the things that make or break a relationship, I truly believe (from the bottom of my heart) that the very most important component of love is RESPECT.

Many people will argue that trust is the most important quality in a relationship.  But how can you trust one another if you don't respect one another?  You can't.  In my opinion, without respect you have nothing.  You must respect the person you are with and they must respect you.  Once you lose that respect, it is almost impossible to get it back.  And that is where most relationships falter.

The day my marriage died was not a few months before my husband walked out the door.  It wasn't even a few years.  My marriage died when the respect for one another was lost.  And that happened within the first few fragile years of being together.   
We loved eachother very much.  And there were so many good qualities to our relationship.  But without the foundation of respect, we had nothing to stand on.  We were trying to build on sinking sand. 

End of story. 

Sick and Tired of

EVERYTHING.

from here.

I'm sick and tired of giving a shit.  Sick and tired of my heart being such a little bitch.  I'm sick and tired of losing my way and getting side tracked by stupid situations that I shouldn't even be dealing with.  I'm sick and tired of other people expecting me to save them.  I'm sick and tired of forgetting that all this shit makes me sick and tired.  

My life has been odd lately.  Things are shifting.  Feelings are all over the place; strewn about like straw in a tornado.  I signed my separation papers this week and turned them in.  I am officially single.  I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  Being single is strange.  Not in a bad way, I don't suppose.  But just strange.  I am responsible for making decisions that I haven't had to make in over six years.  Decisions about other people and how to navigate my relationships with them.
 
This is all very cryptic, I know.  But I'm not sure that even I know what I am trying to convey.

I had to speak to my ex last week for forty five minutes, in person, while waiting for the lawyer to show up.  It was quite like speaking to a stranger.  Someone that I knew their history, but didn't know them personally.  I kept wanting to tilt my head and ask "Who are you?".  This doesn't hurt, surprisingly.  There is no tug in my heart for him.  Just open space where he once was. 

The rumor mill is churning out stories about me in this small town.  Fuck em', I say.  I'm tired of having to defend my own honor when I know good and damn well what I am and am not doing.  Nothing is being said of him, however.  And there is plenty that could be said. 

So, there is a pile of magazines a mile high in my bedroom.  A punch list of things to paint, make or sew.  Movies that I haven't watched.  Books I haven't read.  And none of it interests me now.  It all seems so secular and shallow.  Life is feeling a bit shallow.  People are seeming increasingly more shallow. 

I am sick and tired of shallow. 

I want to strip off my floatation devices and jump into the deep end.  I want to give the world the middle finger and dive deep into the waters of my soul.  I want to feel things.  I want to know things.  I want to quit letting others sway me.  I want to swim out far enough to be able to look back at the shore and, with my feet floating freely underneath me, be able to know what my next step is.  I want to have conversations with my Maker.  Because I want to live the marvelous, meaningful, passionate,  unimaginable, wondrous, creative, exciting, deep-end life that He made me to live. 

I want to live. 

~

The New Road

from here.

Here I am, thirty-one years old and alone.  If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be single in my thirties, I probably would have had a mild panic attack.  But now that I have lived through my twenties, being thirty-something isn't half bad.  Being alone after six years of marriage, however, hurts.  

Yes.  My husband left me.  He said that he just couldn't live with the fact that I didn't want to try to have a baby with him.  And I am crushed.  Deeply. 

My days are a roller coaster ride of self preservation highs and heart wrenching lows.  I can't believe that he actually left.  And with no warning.  Seemingly out of nowhere. 
I believed so fully in our marriage.  Believed that we could weather almost any storm.  And we had.  We had weathered some pretty gnarly ones.  All the time, I thought it had only made us stronger.  Obviously, I was wrong. 

Now I am praying for my contractors license to go through.  Praying for a string of good work.  Praying for strength and grace.  Praying to understand God's plan for me.  And praying that I finally become the person I am meant to be.

My heart may be tied in knots and my courage is very weak.  But I realize that now is the time to rinse the dust from my weary soul and rise to the occasion.  Who am I without my husband?  Who am I when standing alone?  What am I doing with my life that I can be proud of? 

I did not make this decision.  I did not want to end my marriage.  I love my husband so very much.  He will always hold a part of my heart. 
But he walked away. 
And now I must learn to walk without him.