Wednesday, July 25, 2012
My legs ache. My stomach growls. My mind wanders to a million different places.
There is a churning in my being.
A desire for something more.
Not only from love, but from life.
My psyche is weaving intricate new ideas about who it is that I am meant to be.
And there is a push from deep within that tells me that it is something meaningful.
Patience, my child.
There is tempering in progress.
Let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
What keeps me awake at night?
Is it loneliness?
Is it fear?
Or is it the hope that stirs endlessly in my heart and soul, eager for a deeper experience?
Dear Lord, grant me the wisdom to recognize it, the discernment to not be fooled and led off course, the patience to wait for it........whatever it is.
In the meantime, sleep would be nice.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Here I am, thirty-one years old and alone. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be single in my thirties, I probably would have had a mild panic attack. But now that I have lived through my twenties, being thirty-something isn't half bad. Being alone after six years of marriage, however, hurts.
Yes. My husband left me. He said that he just couldn't live with the fact that I didn't want to try to have a baby with him. And I am crushed. Deeply.
My days are a roller coaster ride of self preservation highs and heart wrenching lows. I can't believe that he actually left. And with no warning. Seemingly out of nowhere.
I believed so fully in our marriage. Believed that we could weather almost any storm. And we had. We had weathered some pretty gnarly ones. All the time, I thought it had only made us stronger. Obviously, I was wrong.
Now I am praying for my contractors license to go through. Praying for a string of good work. Praying for strength and grace. Praying to understand God's plan for me. And praying that I finally become the person I am meant to be.
My heart may be tied in knots and my courage is very weak. But I realize that now is the time to rinse the dust from my weary soul and rise to the occasion. Who am I without my husband? Who am I when standing alone? What am I doing with my life that I can be proud of?
I did not make this decision. I did not want to end my marriage. I love my husband so very much. He will always hold a part of my heart.
But he walked away.
And now I must learn to walk without him.