Monday, June 6, 2011

Standing Still

Do you ever feel stagnant?

Like water that has been sitting too long, losing oxygen and growing muck?

This is how I have been feeling lately. I realized it the other night when, with much fervor, I decided that I hated everything about my surroundings. This can usually be remedied by rearranging furniture. But when you live in a 100+ year old house, how to arrange the furniture isn't exactly a multiple choice question. Despite that setback, I started moving things and changing things and discarding things as if my life depended on it.

But there is still a dam somewhere. The water is still not flowing freely. I can't quite figure it out. It isn't my surroundings at all (although, the changes did seem to help). There is something inside of me that is stagnant. After such a long time, I am fighting off moments of depression again. I am happy one moment and completely miserable the next. But why?

Maybe it is because I am starting to realize that I will never have the life that I had always hoped for. I am never going to have a house to call my own. I am never going to have a bright green yard and berry bushes and a cozy patio for cooking out. I am never going to have a husband that wants the same things that I want. I am never going to have a female friend that I can trust and that I want to call and talk to about everything in my life. I am never going to be able to make a living doing what I enjoy doing.

And this is okay. Really, it is. I mean, come on. I am blessed beyond measure. Happiness does not come from material things. I feel like a little bitch complaining about what I don't have. I am so fortunate that I should be scolded for ever even mentioning the things that I hoped to have. But some of the things I want are not material things. They are much deeper. They are things that cannot be bought or built. And maybe the part of me that desires those things is the part of me that is not getting oxygen. I commented on a blog earlier that I think I am growing increasingly numb towards some things and increasingly sensitive towards others. I don't particularly like going numb. It makes me feel much less human.

And so this rambling ends with no revelation. Only the recognition of something that I can't explain. Only a knowing that this life will never be what it has the potential to be. Not just for me, but for everyone else, too.

Something tells me that if the dam isn't broken, the water will eventually dry up and leave a hole somewhere in my being. A dry, empty grave where once there was the possibility of a ever flowing spring.

*photo from Pinterest.


Amber said...

I don't necessarily agree with all of these things about not having the life you want. You might make choices and accept different circumstances and all the rest of it. But I also think that following your blog for a few years makes me realise you can create the life you want for yourself, when you want to do it.

Speaking of which, have you made that dyed fabric into bags yet? Because I want to see them. And maybe buy one.

Julia (Color Me Green) said...

i dont know. i felt like previously i was resigned to not getting things i wanted in life. but now i have gotten some of them and feel a renewed belief that you can expect more. i think sometimes it may take a while to get there...but expect more!

Matt said...

I want to comment. Would like to say I can understand. I think we have all gone through stagnant periods but I can't say I completely understand your situation as I have not been IN your situation. Not exactly. I am stagnating in my life as well, but I see it as more of a rut. So prob. not the same. Sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed by it and maybe just need to change a few small things to gain some satisfaction from that?

Apparently moving furniture isn't doing it. Can you find a couple of things you want to do or change that you can easily accomplish? Anything. Maybe if you keep reaching for the low hanging fruit you will find the inspiration to make bigger better changes that will free up that water.

I have not been reading your blog for long enough to really speak intelligently I think to your situation but I hoped maybe that some small encouragement might help.

Jen said...

Sweetie, why can't you have all those things you mentioned???

Jacquelyn said...

As a Mom, I would take my daughter away for girl get away. Inspire her desires and encourage her to pick one thing to move forward. I have been in a similar place I think. God knows our hearts and longings...sometimes it comes quickly, sometimes it comes after a long time. In my life, some things were just dictated by my parents and life. In my teens I had an aspiration, but it was squashed, and life happened...not all bad, so much was good, but I had many struggles along the way where I felt my life was like living in someone elses...certainly not the one I wanted...then slowly over the years, I made changes, God made changes. Some were very hard life changing decisions...and then all these years later at 49, God blessed me with that very dream I had back in high school. Don't give up on dreams. But know He loves us so much. Give it all to Him. It may take a long time, but start with little things.


Jacquelyn said...

btw, a side not, my parents aren't bad people, they just raised us the only way they knew how...I chose to be a different parent in many ways