Thursday, October 6, 2011

Soul Sharing

I am a crier. True story.
I wasn't always a crier. No. Quite the opposite, actually. I was stoic. I could hold back emotion like nobodies business.
But there is something interesting about having depression. You see, you either learn to let your emotions flow so you can deal with them......or, you hold them inside and let them eat at you.

I remember sitting in church as a child and feeling such raw emotion roiling inside of me. I would be on the brink of tears and, yet, I would hold them back like they were wild beasts waiting to eat everyone in my path. But it was always there. The emotion. Those tears. They were always there. When a song moved me. When a movie tugged at my heart-strings. When a harsh word was thrown my way. When a flock of birds flew over my head and I could feel the pounding of their wings in my own heart. Those tears. They glassed over my eyes and pooled at the edges, waiting for permission to fall.
But, no. I would tilt my head back and take a deep breath and blink wide so the air would dry them before they escaped.

Then something happened. I lost control of the beasts. Like a den full of hungry wild dogs, they would attack me. They would come with no warning. They poured from my eyes for no reason at all. Nothing would trigger them. And they would drop at the most inopportune times.

I had lost the leash.

You see.... that's the thing about tears. They don't actually dry up. The only way that you can really make them go away is to let them fall. Otherwise, they just gather in the deepest part of your heart. And the longer they stay down there...the longer you keep them stifled and chained, the wilder they get. The more they yearn to be freed.

Let them out. Trust me.
Let them out before they eat your heart.
Your tears are hungry. Feed them air.

*photo from here.


Matt said...

Struggling perhaps with the appropriate response here. My first instinct is "Thanks, for sharing", my second is to ask a personal question "Are you suffering from diagnosed depression?" (Which I don't expect you to answer) and third to say you are not alone. Ya, I'm a dude admitting this, but I save those moments for when I am alone and otherwise can control it very well normally, but I have always felt a certain amount of overwhelming emotion which I keep hidden from most, admitted to some, and only perhaps shown to one maybe... handful of people. (Family and a cpl good friends and only to a degree) It has become harder and harder to keep them hidden however so I completely understand what you are describing and sometimes wonder if I am not suffering from a subtle form of depression myself of late.

Now I wonder... if you hold the tears inside will you drown your heart? ;)

Dawn said...

You are so right.
And I'm the opposite. Now I can never seem to cry at all. For a thing.
I hope all is well. Cry away....but I do hope you have serious bouts of laughter too.....
Hugs xx

Jen said...

Happy Monday my Darling! Just wanted to pop on by and with you a beautiful day :)