Thursday, October 6, 2011
I am a crier. True story.
I wasn't always a crier. No. Quite the opposite, actually. I was stoic. I could hold back emotion like nobodies business.
But there is something interesting about having depression. You see, you either learn to let your emotions flow so you can deal with them......or, you hold them inside and let them eat at you.
I remember sitting in church as a child and feeling such raw emotion roiling inside of me. I would be on the brink of tears and, yet, I would hold them back like they were wild beasts waiting to eat everyone in my path. But it was always there. The emotion. Those tears. They were always there. When a song moved me. When a movie tugged at my heart-strings. When a harsh word was thrown my way. When a flock of birds flew over my head and I could feel the pounding of their wings in my own heart. Those tears. They glassed over my eyes and pooled at the edges, waiting for permission to fall.
But, no. I would tilt my head back and take a deep breath and blink wide so the air would dry them before they escaped.
Then something happened. I lost control of the beasts. Like a den full of hungry wild dogs, they would attack me. They would come with no warning. They poured from my eyes for no reason at all. Nothing would trigger them. And they would drop at the most inopportune times.
I had lost the leash.
You see.... that's the thing about tears. They don't actually dry up. The only way that you can really make them go away is to let them fall. Otherwise, they just gather in the deepest part of your heart. And the longer they stay down there...the longer you keep them stifled and chained, the wilder they get. The more they yearn to be freed.
Let them out. Trust me.
Let them out before they eat your heart.
Your tears are hungry. Feed them air.
*photo from here.