Advice to Men

Never marry a woman that will not allow you to see her without makeup. 

I was just perusing the hair and makeup board on Pinterest and was overwhelmed at all the instructions on facial contouring.  One can do amazing things with makeup.  And, hey...who doesn't enjoy a new look every now and then?

But beware of those ladies who never go out by the light of day without full war paint on.  Chances are, she is probably lacking in some very important self esteem and confidence levels. 

Or there is the very real possibility that she does not, in fact, look like a Kardashian. 

Relationships

can be purchased here.

One of the things that a divorce inevitably results in is the deep consideration of relationships and what makes them work or fall apart.

Breakups hurt.  Divorces hurt.  And, I think we can all agree, relationships hurt.

I've spent a whole lot of time thinking about what went wrong in my last marriage.  I've tried to pin-point how on earth we went from being in love and happy to the place where one of us was willing to give up completely.

If you think about it, almost every relationship starts out the same way.  There is infatuation and adoration.  Chemical attraction and soaring dopamine levels.  Both parties confess their affection and make promises of devotion and undying love.  But, with time, all things change.  And of all the things that make or break a relationship, I truly believe (from the bottom of my heart) that the very most important component of love is RESPECT.

Many people will argue that trust is the most important quality in a relationship.  But how can you trust one another if you don't respect one another?  You can't.  In my opinion, without respect you have nothing.  You must respect the person you are with and they must respect you.  Once you lose that respect, it is almost impossible to get it back.  And that is where most relationships falter.

The day my marriage died was not a few months before my husband walked out the door.  It wasn't even a few years.  My marriage died when the respect for one another was lost.  And that happened within the first few fragile years of being together.   
We loved eachother very much.  And there were so many good qualities to our relationship.  But without the foundation of respect, we had nothing to stand on.  We were trying to build on sinking sand. 

End of story. 

Friday Fantasy

from here.

I need space to breath.
Open air to scream,
        at the top of my lungs.
You're smothering me. 

I need to be alone.
My own soul to roam,
        to figure it out.
To find my home. 

Don't bring your drama to my door.
I'm not playing anymore.
I guess karma must settle her score.
But this isn't worth the price.

I will try for the greater plan.
I will trust in no mortal man
        to lead my way.
Your intentions be damned.

I hear what you say,
But you've lost your way.
        My life for your life,
I'm not making the trade.

I can't be what you want me to be.
I can't make your dreams a reality.
I can't drag you out of your sea.
I will not drown with you. 

*****

Sick and Tired of

EVERYTHING.

from here.

I'm sick and tired of giving a shit.  Sick and tired of my heart being such a little bitch.  I'm sick and tired of losing my way and getting side tracked by stupid situations that I shouldn't even be dealing with.  I'm sick and tired of other people expecting me to save them.  I'm sick and tired of forgetting that all this shit makes me sick and tired.  

My life has been odd lately.  Things are shifting.  Feelings are all over the place; strewn about like straw in a tornado.  I signed my separation papers this week and turned them in.  I am officially single.  I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  Being single is strange.  Not in a bad way, I don't suppose.  But just strange.  I am responsible for making decisions that I haven't had to make in over six years.  Decisions about other people and how to navigate my relationships with them.
 
This is all very cryptic, I know.  But I'm not sure that even I know what I am trying to convey.

I had to speak to my ex last week for forty five minutes, in person, while waiting for the lawyer to show up.  It was quite like speaking to a stranger.  Someone that I knew their history, but didn't know them personally.  I kept wanting to tilt my head and ask "Who are you?".  This doesn't hurt, surprisingly.  There is no tug in my heart for him.  Just open space where he once was. 

The rumor mill is churning out stories about me in this small town.  Fuck em', I say.  I'm tired of having to defend my own honor when I know good and damn well what I am and am not doing.  Nothing is being said of him, however.  And there is plenty that could be said. 

So, there is a pile of magazines a mile high in my bedroom.  A punch list of things to paint, make or sew.  Movies that I haven't watched.  Books I haven't read.  And none of it interests me now.  It all seems so secular and shallow.  Life is feeling a bit shallow.  People are seeming increasingly more shallow. 

I am sick and tired of shallow. 

I want to strip off my floatation devices and jump into the deep end.  I want to give the world the middle finger and dive deep into the waters of my soul.  I want to feel things.  I want to know things.  I want to quit letting others sway me.  I want to swim out far enough to be able to look back at the shore and, with my feet floating freely underneath me, be able to know what my next step is.  I want to have conversations with my Maker.  Because I want to live the marvelous, meaningful, passionate,  unimaginable, wondrous, creative, exciting, deep-end life that He made me to live. 

I want to live. 

~