Monday, May 9, 2011
Can I justify eating almost an entire pint of Banana Split ice cream with the fact that it has fruit in it? No? I guess that means that I owe myself one hell of a workout tonight.
Folks, my attitude has been a bit less than sparkling of late. I'm sure this is really no surprise, now that I think about it. Let's face it. I'm not exactly winning any congeniality points in life. Anyway. I keep posting the address to my blog in my Etsy profile and then taking it down again. I've done it over and over. I'll think for a second that I may draw a few new readers. And then..... I'll want to post something that I don't want everyone and their mother to read and I'll take the address down again.
I just deleted it yet again.
Sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest. And I prefer to not have my family members and any other curious little monkeys snooping around in my business. How is this different than sharing it with all of you? Well, partly because all of you show up here on a fairly regular basis. You chime in on my rants and offer advice when I lose my mind. You guys are great. You aren't here so that you can tell the girls at the hairdresser what I have been talking about. You are here for ...... well, honestly, I'm not sure what you are here for. But I totally love you for being here.
This past weekend has been a bitch for me. Actually, the last few weeks have been quite testing. You see, Mother's Day (of all things) tends to be a sore spot between my husband and I. Why, you ask? Because my husband would give anything in the world for me to be a mother. And I do not have any desire, whatsoever, to ever be a mother. None. At all.
Please. Spare me the speeches on what I bad person I am; how I am so selfish; how I'm too vain; how I have no idea how amazing it is; how I would be such a great mom; how beautiful our baby would be; and any other argument that you can possibly think of. I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL. Seriously. I really have.
And I don't doubt in any way that I would be a great mom or worry that I wouldn't love it. For God's sake, people! Why do they say "Oh, you would love it". No Shit. Of course I would love my own child. But it's kinda like sex. You have no idea what you are missing until you do it. And I have NO desire to do it. (have kids, that is. I have plenty of desire for sex)
It all comes down to a very simple fact. My body, mind, heart and soul do not want to be a mother. It is not there. And I cannot make it be there. And this whole situation pretty much breaks my heart and exhausts me like nothing else.
I told my husband way back at the beginning that if his desire to have children was stronger than his love for me, then he should go ahead and leave and find a mother for his offspring. But, no. He declares that he loves me and always will, despite everything. And I have to live with his spells of not talking to me for days at a time. Arguments. Guilt (for some reason). Shame (because others inflict it). And a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that knows that my husband may stay with me, but he will always resent me.
There is really nothing that I can do except trust the Lord and hope that the big picture makes sense at some point. Although, I have a hard time understanding why He would put two people together that just seem to get more and more different from each other every day. I guess there are no quick answers.
I feel so detached.
But I also feel a little better now that I put that out there. Thanks for listening.
*photo from Inked.