Monday, May 9, 2011

Oh, Baby

Can I justify eating almost an entire pint of Banana Split ice cream with the fact that it has fruit in it? No? I guess that means that I owe myself one hell of a workout tonight.

Folks, my attitude has been a bit less than sparkling of late. I'm sure this is really no surprise, now that I think about it. Let's face it. I'm not exactly winning any congeniality points in life. Anyway. I keep posting the address to my blog in my Etsy profile and then taking it down again. I've done it over and over. I'll think for a second that I may draw a few new readers. And then..... I'll want to post something that I don't want everyone and their mother to read and I'll take the address down again.

I just deleted it yet again.

Sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest. And I prefer to not have my family members and any other curious little monkeys snooping around in my business. How is this different than sharing it with all of you? Well, partly because all of you show up here on a fairly regular basis. You chime in on my rants and offer advice when I lose my mind. You guys are great. You aren't here so that you can tell the girls at the hairdresser what I have been talking about. You are here for ...... well, honestly, I'm not sure what you are here for. But I totally love you for being here.

This past weekend has been a bitch for me. Actually, the last few weeks have been quite testing. You see, Mother's Day (of all things) tends to be a sore spot between my husband and I. Why, you ask? Because my husband would give anything in the world for me to be a mother. And I do not have any desire, whatsoever, to ever be a mother. None. At all.

Please. Spare me the speeches on what I bad person I am; how I am so selfish; how I'm too vain; how I have no idea how amazing it is; how I would be such a great mom; how beautiful our baby would be; and any other argument that you can possibly think of. I HAVE HEARD THEM ALL. Seriously. I really have.
And I don't doubt in any way that I would be a great mom or worry that I wouldn't love it. For God's sake, people! Why do they say "Oh, you would love it". No Shit. Of course I would love my own child. But it's kinda like sex. You have no idea what you are missing until you do it. And I have NO desire to do it. (have kids, that is. I have plenty of desire for sex)

It all comes down to a very simple fact. My body, mind, heart and soul do not want to be a mother. It is not there. And I cannot make it be there. And this whole situation pretty much breaks my heart and exhausts me like nothing else.

I told my husband way back at the beginning that if his desire to have children was stronger than his love for me, then he should go ahead and leave and find a mother for his offspring. But, no. He declares that he loves me and always will, despite everything. And I have to live with his spells of not talking to me for days at a time. Arguments. Guilt (for some reason). Shame (because others inflict it). And a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that knows that my husband may stay with me, but he will always resent me.

There is really nothing that I can do except trust the Lord and hope that the big picture makes sense at some point. Although, I have a hard time understanding why He would put two people together that just seem to get more and more different from each other every day. I guess there are no quick answers.

I feel so detached.

But I also feel a little better now that I put that out there. Thanks for listening.

*photo from Inked.


Amy @ Varnish said...

Miz. That was serious business. I'll keep you in my prayers. Kids are no joke and if you aren't ready to have any than don't. Marriage is freakin hard too but you will be just fine, if it's not kids than it's something else.


Jen said...

Happy Tuesday my Dear! I think in this day and age, you're just suppose to want to have children. 2.5 of them. But honestly, it's a choice and not a requirement or a necessity. But you will always be judged by that choice. It's just how society is. I'm 33 and I'm judged because I'm not married and I don't have children. According to society, I should have started a long time ago. And frankly, I get sooo tired of all the questions on why i'm not married and why I don't have kids. So I understand, I really really do. But as for your husband, i'm just afraid his desire to have kids will never go away. That desire, just doesn't. He may not talk about it for a few weeks or a few months or even a few years, but deep down you probably both know that he wants kids. I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't. He obviously loves you a lot. Maybe just concentrate on that dear. You have a man who loves you so very much. And you two will be fine. Just get through today :-)

Matt said...

Sorry to hear about your troubles. :( I am wit'cha if that helps at all.

Love the pic! Other than the blonde and the big gazongas part its fun-ky. ;)

Just couldn't leave that 0 comments hanging there...

annelise said...

Oh man. This must be tough. For the record, I don't think you're selfish for not wanting to have kids, I've never understood it when people say that.

I surprised the pants off myself a couple of years ago when I realised I do want to have children at some point (when I'm in a stable relationship, when I'm financially able to support a child and myself, blah blah blah) but at the moment, it just doesn't feel like it's going to happen: 31 and single? Assuming I meet someone tomorrow, I'd like to know them at least - at least - a year first before even deciding to try and assuming it happened immediately, then I'm still going to be 33 before I see any kids of my own. That stresses me out. I don't want to be one of those 39-year-old women who are so desperate for children that you don't even want to be around them, or have to be spending the equivalent of a third world country's national debt on IVF etc. I just want it to happen organically.

Still, it's all in or nothing, isn't it? Either you want them or you don't. And I respect your decision. As for your husband, you gave him options and he made his choice. Hopefully, he comes around. It's really not fair when you gave him options.

What can anyone say other than this sucks? Not much, I don't think.

And as for not wanting to share your blog with people, I totally get that. Sometimes I go to write something but then I remember who will be reading it (people in 'real life') and don't want to start any shit in case it's taken the wrong way. Urgh. It's much easier to write these kinds of things when you don't see the readers, face to face. After I've posted something, I don't want to have a conversation about it over coffee. It kind of annoys me a bit and makes me hold back. I don't like it.

Julia (Color Me Green) said...

this is hard. resentment is no good. but. if you had a kid against your wishes, you would resent him and possibly your child and dealing with the stress of being a parent PLUS resentment - too much.