Friday, February 20, 2009

Soul Sharing: the need for blue skies

Photo from Jen Marie Art

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I want to share something and get some feedback. Please? The last few weeks I have been dealing with some serious depression. Not the run-of-the-mill "I just want to sleep all day and eat a pound of pasta" kind. The clinical kind that renders me slave to an onslaught of tears that I have no control over whatsoever, a shoulder that feels like I have an anvil tied to it, and the uncontrollable desire to throw things (that's actually manic). I've been in this battle for years. But more recently I have also developed some fabulous nerve/anxiety issues. Every once in a while my insides will feel like they are vibrating, and not in a good way. Plus, I had an interesting little dizzy spell (anxiety attach, my mom says) about a month ago. So here's the thing. I know myself pretty well. I have spent years studying my own psyche patterns. And I happen to know what will fix all of this. (or help out drastically)

I need to quit my job.

But just how the hell do you do something like that in an economy like this? My husband was laid off from his job and his work is erratic, to say the least. There are no jobs, let me repeat, NO JOBS! to be found in our area. And even if I did quit, I wouldn't want to run out to find another job. I would want to put all my time and energy into my Etsy store. I can't make sells, or new stuff, or better pictures or anything else right now because I have no time or energy. I am miserable. I love my hubby. I love my family. I love my friends. And I just want to stay home and make shit! Forgive me for the fourth grade profanity. What do I do? This job is going to kill me. I want out. I need to see my blue sky. I need for the clouds to part. I need for God to smack me in the head and make it all clear.

Advice? Encouragement? Anything?

1 comment:

Helen said...

Hmmm ... this is tricky. I know I told you to quit your day job, but I forgot to consider health insurance and ... um ... reliable income.

But jeez, I know what you mean about the anxiety. What about doing the bare minimum at work and saving your energy and emotions for your Etsy shop? Probably you've thought of that and/or it's easier said than done etc. I don't know. I just wanted to throw out a little piece of, "Hey, lovely blog, hang in there, gather your strength!" because of your honest post.