Friday, October 16, 2009

Truth

In the land of Blog-life, everything is always wonderful. There are always sparkly rainbows and butterflies. The birds are always singing. And even when the weather is cold and damp, we still manage to have a smile on our face and a spring in our step. This is one of the reasons that I blog. To share all the pretty, happy things that I come across. And to soak up all the pretty, happy things that you come across. Blogging is a great escape, but it isn't always real.



Sometimes I find myself jealous of other bloggers. (Yes, shallow, I know.) But it sometimes feels like a lot of the ladies out there are so put together. They have wonderful, adoring, helpful boyfriends/fiances/husbands. They find time to be creative. They cook and take long walks, have lunch with friends, decorate their houses. They wear great clothes. They smile a lot. They take pictures of pretty things and post them regularly. They seem so effortless.



When I shut down the computer and leave the job that fills my lungs with millions of chemicals and my heart with bitterness, I shut down the magical world of Blog-life. I drive home in the rain, wearing jeans smudged with grease and dirt, an old hoodie and a pair of worn out sneakers. I scrounge to get together a decent meal and hope I have enough daylight to still let the dog out to run around. My head hurts. I am tired. The floor is dirty. There are four piles of laundry to do. The bathroom needs cleaned. I don't feel like working out.

I will undoubtedly end up in a fight with the husband. He isn't very supportive. I have to ask him for money to help pay the bills. He is terribly messy and dirty and doesn't give a crap what the house looks like. Isn't worried about ever having a place to call our own. Spends way too much time and money and energy on cars and motorcycles and four wheelers. Is utterly clueless most of the time. I will go to bed exhausted and still not be able to go to sleep.



For years (about 12 to be specific) I have been in an ever reoccurring fist fight with depression. I have highs. I have deep lows. I like to throw things when I get mad. I have worked really hard at identifying my triggers and understanding how my head works. And, honestly, I do pretty good the majority of the time. It's during that time that I take notes and write outlines for a book. I want so badly to write a book that helps others as much as some books have helped me. Sometimes I believe that I can. And then sometimes, like this week, I feel like I may as well scrap the idea entirely. I can't write a book that helps others. I can't even keep myself together. What was I thinking? Life is such a bitch.



I think it's important to be reminded that we are all human. Kind of like a little skit I saw on a popular kids tv channel that teaches "Everyone farts. Even famous people." Crude, but true. None of us are perfect. Some lives are definitely more gilded than others. But we are all mortal. We all hurt. We all get sick. We all get disappointed. And this is the tie that truly binds us. Think of how you feel when a fellow blogger mentions that she is sick, or that she has a birthday coming up, or someone has hurt her feelings. You naturally want to celebrate her achievements, mourn her losses, heal her sickness. We all impact one another more than we realize. So maybe we shouldn't underestimate the things that we do and say and what they mean to others. Even when we feel small and insignificant. We are all in this together. And maybe, just maybe, I will write a book and it will help someone in some small way. Just like all of you out there in Blog-land help me every single day.

7 comments:

Katarina said...

Oh, thanks for this post. I feel the same most of the time. Think the blogs are a bit of an escapism.
At least for me. Everyone /or vast majority of people/ is going through the things you've described, so maybe just try to share and look for the good things.

la la Lovely said...

HI Jo..... I just happened over here today and so glad I did... I know what you mean... and sometimes I hope that I am not giving off a perfect image of sorts on my blog because I, my house, family and hubby are so far from it. Yesterday I was thinking about visiting bloggers homes and wondering if they have messy piles and clutter and dirt about. I was thinking how bits and pieces of my home photograph nice but it isn't all put together.

The idea of perfection is just an idea. No one is perfect and striving to be only makes life difficult (I need to listen to my own advice).

Don't be discouraged though... keep moving forward. I think it is wonderful you are hoping to write a book. Keep taking notes and writing outlines. I think people are always more open to learn from someone who has gone through what they have gone through. And when we help others so many times it helps us through whatever we are going through.
Don't lose hope! Hold on. One day at time. Tomorrow will be better than today and just remember what you see (in blogs and in general) is not always what you get and the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Saying a prayer for you today!
xx Trina

ps- do you ever read Whatever?
http://megduerksen.typepad.com/

it is one of my fav blogs. I"m always loving her house, life, skills, etc but the thing I love most about her and her blog is she keeps it real. Takes pictures of her messes, laundry and shares real struggles.

ok...sorry to be so long ;)

Amber said...

so fucking true. this may be your best post ever my dear. x

Elise said...

I read this last night but couldn't think of what to write so left it until today. I still don't really know but I want to acknowledge this post because it's a tough one.

As for the "pretty bloggers", as I like to call them in my own head, I take them with a grain of salt. No-one's life is that perfect or happy all of the time, not without some mind-altering drugs anyway. Everyone has bad days, everyone has bills to pay, everyone has fat days, bad hair days, days when they don't feel like getting out of bed, days when other people make them feel like screaming in fits of anger and tears.

That's why I've got someething against all the 'rainbows and cupcakes' blogs. Too much happy-clappy annoys me because it's not real, like you said.

I've had moments of depression, nothing too serious, the doctor said he wouldn't recommend medication and I've also learned to recognise the causes and what to do, but I can see how it takes people over.

I think you could write a book. Whether it's to help other people, or if it's a work of fiction. You should write. You have a lovely way with words. I would read something you've written. Actually, I guess I DO read what you've written!

I love that here in Blog-land, I can write something that I think no-one in the world is going to care about but when I look at my blog the next day and see that I've got 4 comments from people on the other side of the world, my heart soars: people care enough to acknowledge what I've written and those words are a part of me and it means so much. In turn, I also love reading other people's blogs and hearing about their life and their struggles and their happiness.

You're right - we're all in it together. And I love it.

xx

Julia (Color Me Green) said...

i love your honesty here. it's so true...i do get envious of other bloggers whose lives seem so wonderful. but then i remind myself that they are human too, they must have lows, but we are all kind of focusing on the positive in our public blog world, so they probably just hide theirs better than me. and as a result blogs are such a source of cheer and hope for humanity because bloggers seem so able to find joy in the small things, which is so important to staying afloat of depression.

if you want to write this book, you'll do it someday. on the days we're just slogging through it may not seem like it, but i have hope we'll get to our dreams someday. alternately, you could start small and start putting together book ideas and reaching people with your advice through a new dedicated blog.

Sarah said...

here here. i also have dealt with low-level lurking depression since i can remember, and it's easy to make everything look perfect on the internet. i catch myself doing that sometimes.

Des said...

What a well-written and relevant post. I have often felt this way about Facebook. To me, it seems like people try even harder there to show that they lead perfect lives. But I agree that sometimes blogs can fall into this category too. I would recommend that you try writing a book because all of that angst, pain, frustration, and longing that you feel are what the best books, painting, and music are all about.